I had been a bit stuck, ending up with the same mental conclusions and repeating the same behaviours, knowing that it wasn’t serving me, but not knowing how to shift out of that state. All fingers pointed to sitting with the discomfort of my soul yearning. Yearning for more love, more community, more positive changes and of course more meaning.
I have always been a truth seeker, seeking the truth in myself, so I can live by it, breath it, and be it. It is only natural that I am drawn to those who too, look below the surface of the day to day, to take accountability for their lives, their darkness, wounds etc. I believe that happiness does come from knowing yourself to the core and learning how to take responsibility for your personal areas of weakness.
My areas of weakness that I consider my dark knights (whom I have grown to love) stem from experiences that happened that were out of my control, throughout my life. Typically, based on the wounds we have (past lives, if you resonate with that) and wounds that have been created in this life from upbringing, programming, loss, experience, society, trauma etc.
I was tossed out of my comfort zone (one of my favourite things to do – mostly because I have to – to grow) For 10 days I simply changed my routine, different environment and headed to Molokai & Maui (Hawaii) with my 2 brothers, my parents and my bro’s girlfriend (now fiancé, hehe, how romantic!) Being out of my routine, helped me to see what had been causing stagnancy in my life. I had so many expectations in my personal life, I expected so much from my partner, and the more pressure I put on those people around me, I received less of what I was looking for. When I was away, I realized how fortunate I am to truly feel love for someone, and for someone to feel it for me. The expectations I have put on my closest people, have at many times been unrealistic. That unhappiness reminds me of this quote I read a few months back “not everyone is built like you” – simple but true. I was dissatisfied with the people around me, because I expected them to be like me. Such a simple, yet complex idea. As I started to take this saying with me, I slowly noticed, that instead of being disappointed in my circle, I began to accept my peers for who they were, instead of needing them to be like me. I have high expectations of myself, I can always be better, do better, work harder, smarter and I am constantly learning, as well as truly believe that we can collectively change many of the current world problems we face. But not without taking responsibility for ourselves first – I believe that many don’t have the energy to take on ideas, projects and so on, because there is an excess amount of energy caught in people’s wounds – not allowing them to have the energy to look outside of their lives, and do the most important thing on earth – service to others – serve humanity.
I realized that I too, have bee caught in this cycle, no judgement on me for being there, just a knowing, followed by acceptance. As soon as I realized this, and became thankful on a heart level for everything in my life, including my friends, family and partner – the universe really conspired to love me more, the more I loved it. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for so much in my life, and I feel that, but at this time, I wasn’t grateful for everything in my life, and it definitely led to a skewed perspective and constant disappointment in my social/relationship aspect of my life.
We may be in the same circumstance but with a different perspective, a lot can shift. I urge you to take the time to sit with your annoyances, and see them from a new perspective, see how your suffering can help shift you out of your current mood/happenings.
After my shift in perspective – magic really happened.
It had taken 5 days to get to this man, Eddie, who is one of a few elders who had permission to take us up the mountain on the Hawaiian island of Molokai. At the top of the mountain hike was a waterfall – some say because it has 3 tiers, it is the longest waterfall in the world. Eddie was like a wise uncle, he spoke the same soul language, and he had great knowledge of the land, and many stories to go with it. The pathway up, felt very powerful – as in the energy was at a heightened frequency, similar to what I felt in Mexico in Palenque, & Teotihuacan.
I was most drawn to Eddie’s story of Sitting Bull’s great great grandson – who had come previously to this trail to do ceremony with Eddie and some of elders (Kahuna’s). He explained some of the things he witnessed while in ceremony and the power that this young man possessed. The story remained vivid in my heart and I was grateful for the spark Eddie created in my soul from his stories and his knowledge.
Some days later we headed for Maui, the bigger island. I started reading about sandalwood, its controversy, where it grew, the stories surrounding it, and I asked the Universe to send me sandalwood if it was meant to be. The next day my step mom and I were walking to the health food store to get some supplies. I looked high and low in that store to see if they had their native sandalwood, there was nothing to be found, as well as no information. We were at the checkout, and I asked the man at the counter, he asked if I had asked the ladies in the back, I had. He then stopped what he was doing, ran out the door, and started talking to this old white bearded man. The old man signalled me over, and asked me to go across the street and sit on a bench in front of the ocean with him. I told my step mom to go on ahead and I would catch up with the fam later.
When we sat on the bench and I looked at this old wise man, I swear I saw the universe in his eyes, I told him, and he laughed. He had a big bag, and he told me he had a lab somewhere unknown, he proceeded to take out bottle after bottle from his reusable cloth bag, he would drop a drop into my hand – and each drop would take me on a journey – these were more than essential oils, this was medicine, this was magic. Jose Zee had travelled the world, his beautiful brown skin had seen so much. He was born in the U.S to an Indian Mother and Egyptian Father and left home at a young age. He had Dragon’s Blood from Iran, Frankincense from Oman, Sandalwood from fallen dead wood of the last 12 trees not owned or in a rehabilitation project of the sacred sandalwood. He gave me 1ml to take home with me along with a beautiful Hawaiian flower called Kikipipea – both of which send me into another dimension when I smell them.
As we were sitting there, I noticed a family was getting up, but there was a hat I thought they left, the man who was getting up had a hat on and there was no one else to be found. I picked up the hat, and low and behold, it’s a Sitting Bull hat. Holy fuck. I brought it back over to the bench with Jose Zee, he looked at me, and told me the hat was for me, and that the person who had left it wasn’t coming back. To me, when the Universe gives me signs like this, I feel as though I am connected – connected to everything and everyone. I am so thankful for the signs that bring me closer to feeling overwhelmingly thankful to be alive in this time on earth and connected to everything in the Universe.
Bless up people, keep being you, keep working diligently to be the best version of yourself, to have the life you dreamed of, and to live your heart to it’s fullest desire.